[attr="class","mvula-text"]
[break][break]
Down went the finished shot. Were his lips growing bigger? They were feeling numb. Tingling. Akira was just better at hiding the fact he had also been drinking the same night. That was good. But he doubted that sat where they were now, to hear much otherwise. It was reassurance, all the same. Akira caught Yoko's line of sight and he himself turned to see the bartender.
"Another round of shots." Akira would offer him a few more notes. Another six this time would come sprawling their way.
[break][break]
When he'd made his little gesture and comment he'd hoped that the tone would lighten but it made no difference. He was half smiling at her, the corner of his mouth turning but it faded away as he listened to her half drunken rambling until an empty set of blue orbs stared at her.
[break][break]
She'd given him a lot to unpack with her statement. First confusion, understanding. But Akira was giving some space and thought than trying to think in the moment, so that he could really understand what she was saying. As a whole, and in part. Firstly, was she trying to say that half of the reason she was into Akira, was because she was like his ex?
'Again.' he was conflicted.
[break][break]
Then, what had happened on that trip that made her weighed down? Hurt, tangled. Akira hadn't been surprised to know she was going on the trip in the first place because it was away from him. But to not find any relief from that trip... it had to mean something else. Was it because of that person? That fire was lit again, but it wasn't for an arousing reason. Akira watched her talk, and she was still making sense in her mumbling from the booze.
[break][break]
"...what is that supposed to mean? What happened on that trip?" It wasn't accusatory. Hurt.
'Justifying her behaviour. More manipulation. More lies for you.' but he did the same thing himself. It was right. All she was trying to say was how bad it was for her. But he was the one on the receiving end of her inability to choose.
[break][break]
'She's doing it again to you. End it.' and perhaps he was right in his thoughts. One slow blink, gathering his feelings and the thoughts welling in his chest. Trying to justify how she could love him and someone else.
'Slap her, even.' Akira withdrew his hand from her, so his own hands came underneath the table and laid on his knees.
[break][break]
'Just shut the fuck up.' and his inner voice was silent. For now, it seemed his better side had won. How else to derail it? Change. Be honest.
"I need to tell you sorry before I get upset. It can't wait." One more shot: this time Akira placed a hand over his mouth, taking a moment to keep it down in the way it burned, and made him want to make a sickly face. Akira was changing his own emotions one by one. One small step at a time to carve his own path, like how Yoko had alluded to. But his face defaulted afterwards.
"..I...should never have hurt you. But none of that means anything if you can't trust me to back it up. I ended up being like the man you loved, like history is repeating itself. And.. I'm scared of doing it again." His head fell in shame. There was so much in his head that conflicted all of this. Telling her in the first place. The fact that he was even still considering her. Conflicted.
[break][break]
"There are so many things that tell me to keep away from you." But she would understand him saying it even if it hurt her because he was sat right there. And he would get there - but now really wasn't the time. If he did speak about that, he would get upset. And he was scared of that situation unfolding again. But he wanted to give her a chance to remedy it. And it wasn't something that wasn't going to happen on his end because as far as he'd known, he hadn't done anything wrong on the emotional front. Physically? Oh, so wrong to her. But this clusterfuck inside her heart was her problem that weighed them both down, and Akira would be ridding himself of it tonight no matter the outcome. Even if it didn't feel like it.
[break][break]
"I need to admit some things to you," There was reason, to carry on what he'd been saying. But this wasn't how he had pictured it. Inside her home, some music playing: in the quiet. Under the stars and solace of the warm night. There was a tear that fell from his eye - dropping on to the bar counter. He shakily went for another shot.
[break][break]
"But I can't say it right now..." Akira refused. Both concerning himself and her. Later.