[Deleted]

App removed.

[Yoshiko]

Name: If the name is Rei Bun, that needs to be the listed one, then Raven would be the in italics. However Rei Bun translates from my quick search to example sentence. So your characters parents willingly named their child example sentence. Karasu = Raven / Crow from my google translate attempt, might make more sense to go with that though neither are normal names.

Position: put 'Academy Student' here, you always choose positions from your village RP position board; fallenblades.proboards.com/thread/24/konohagakure-positions-updated-march-2022 << - Konoha's

Alias: Needs a tag like [clan] [village] or so on to indicate who'd know them by this.

Appearance: Please make this into at least two paragraphs, typically the first is describing the physical traits of the character. Eye color, Hair Color, Hair style and length, description of any physical features. Second paragraph pertaining to the outfit which the character wears, color coding and the specific articles and whether they're modified.

Personality, as a five year old academy student this should be longer than history probably and include very little influence from history and the greater shinobi scheme. Though I assume the history will explain...

History: 17 paragraphs in and we get the first real mention of the character themselves. ""Raven" (れいぶん - 'Rei bun')."

I can't tell if three paragraphs later she used Sharingan, but without it as an SA that'll be a big no-no.

Even after this shifts to Raven, it really struggles to convey her why's and what's. You've written a story around her and this Qrow individual, but didn't explain how either of them got there. Why would Qrow's family explain his origins? Why would Kataki not get his daughter earlier if the raven had been watching over her? What gave Raven any reason to have hatred? Why would Imi teach her shinobi stuff or over strain her to be something he's against? If she had a strong anti-shinobi raising why isn't she more hesitant of these people?

Ultimately though I feel you're missing the 'how', how would someone so young react? I just feel prodigy or not, these are illogical reactions to the situations provided to people so young. I'm not a stickler for history, but you've gone above and beyond to create a whole cast of people, without really giving a fair portion to the MC; Raven.

That stated this history will need editing to add in those necessary details. Furthermore there's inconsistencies with site history too. In the past five + years, there's not been much conflict border of konoha and kusa, they're actually allied. Additionally the Uzumaki are a clan from the whirlpool who went to konoha and then later kusa to show the bond of their villages. They're almost an already established spy and kind of thus someone the village would have full eyes on.

Fighting style" is about using what you have and how you take on situations. You don't have an SA or jutsu for CQC, there's really no good establishment for this explained fighting style. History allows us to build a character, but rank forces us to start at a certain level. You've written history and fighting style far above the capabilities of even a prodigy academy student. Bare in mind the prodigy SA realistically is just giving you an excuse to start young or be proficient young. AS proficiency is still incredibly low.

Combat information:

Nature is your born element, you'd put fire here.
Affinity is your controlled elements, you'd have none as an academy student.

Inventory: Academy aren't allowed live ammunition, remove all weapons like senbon, kunai and shuriken.

Special Abilities: You clan's bloodline goes here and not in techniques, as an academy student you're allowed one SA so you'll have to pick.

Techniques: Remove the SA from here, you also as an academy student only get to start with three jutsu.

[Deleted]

About the name: hiragana and katakana are both ways to write foreigner words into Japanese. Not only Naruto Universe does that but plenty other animes too. Death Note is a great example of how it can be explored. Is also very important to recall that Lee Clan ('Rock' and/or 'Metal') members even has the western pattern for names, which is a clear recognition of a worldwide coverage for names. Not to mention our good and ol' Uchiha "Obito", eh? In my opinion this is just a overcontrolling rule. For what matters, I changed the name to "Raven" (in italic, as requested) and, for filing purposes, it is written in Katakana (レイブン) and pronounced as 'Rei bun'. In her story, I will add a line to explain that her's and her brother's name both mean 'Karasu' (烏).

Position: done.

Alias: Edited.

Personality: added info as... requested? I'm not very good dealing with sarcasm.

Inventory: cleaned.

History: I've written a lot about this subject, but then I decided to simply comply by changing the whole scenario. Please, review from zero.

Fighting style: I thought the ideia here was to give her fighting style a... 'whole picture'. I've edited anyways.

Combat Info': done.

SA: done.

Technique: done.

[Yoshiko]

After discussion in Discord DM's more edits were done specifically to FS.

Age; I personally find the age doesn't quite fit, especially if they're already training physical combat. The amount of molding and pre-dated development in the app just feels they should be older. That stated, I will let the next reviewer decide if they agree with me or think you're fine.

1/2 approved.

-Yoshiko

[Deleted]

Acknowledge. Just to clarify that I intent to appeal for "Genius" SA during her AS time.

[j.]

Howdy, I'll be working in order of appearance for issues within the application.

• Name: I'm not going to go super into this as you seem pretty set on the matter. I'd just like you to be aware that something like this, her going exclusively by her nickname, is very uncommon. There is precedent you're setting here and I do worry about future characters being named something like Masuta and going exclusively by Master or Desu and going exclusively by Death.
  
  I understand it's thematic, as the faceclaim's name is also Raven and the faceclaim's twin brother is also named Qrow. Staff are mixed on how we feel about directly using a faceclaim's name but it's not against the rules.
• Age: While your character is still within the age range that can be expected of an academy student, the degree to which she is both capable for her age and emotionally mature is well beyond that of a five-year-old. These are shinobi, yes, but they're also human. If you insist on having her be this young then I'd like to see something, anything, childish about this character in her personality.
  
  Alternatively, you can explain via history why she is so mature and intelligent well beyond her years.
• Appearance: "She has this slightly shades..." Little thing for clarity's sake; please mention that this sentence is in reference to her hair if that is indeed the case.
• Personality: "She see humans as social animals...", "...[learn] how to influence, manipulate and control others." etc.
  
  This is in reference to the point made about her age if you choose to leave her at five yrs old. Thoughts like this and this behavior is extremely unrealistic for someone so young.
  
  The average 4-5 year old has a general understanding of how time works and can start to recognize letters. Your character understands the deeper machinations of human interaction and not only understands societal hierarchy and its underground but intends to infiltrate and manipulate it.
  
  (I didn't learn how to tie my shoes until I was seven!)
  
  I understand that you intend to add a genius SA during her time as a genin. But, based on things like this, and other instances all throughout the application, I encourage you to lock her sharingan for now and start with a genius SA. As it stands, she's being written to already have it anyway.
• History: Yoshi already touch on this a bit but you might want to detail a bit more about your character themselves. As it stands I know much more about her parents and her supporting cast than I do about her.
• General Overview: Please take the time to read over what you've written, particularly in personality and history, and make some grammar corrections. This application will be used many times in the future by other members on the site and it is the responsibility of its author to make what's contained within clear and easily understood.
  
  I did a test run with the personality, tossing it into Google Docs and changing everything based on the blue line grammar suggestions, and suggested edits fix pretty much every issue I can see.
• Final Thoughts: This is a suggestion, not an edit. You can choose to ignore the following bit.
  
  This site tends to lean more toward story development and world building so a character like this stands out quite a bit! And that's okay! Making characters that stand out is fun but where can this character grow? She is emotionally mature, her capability is held back only by her rank and she is written to be the pride of the Uchiha. Over a year or two of writing, how is someone so perfect expected to develop?
  
  So much of what makes a character exciting to write and write with are those flaws; the growth they experience over the course of a story weaved between members. I don't want you to miss out on that kind of exciting development by skipping all the mental and emotional development.
  
  At the very least I encourage you to consider areas where she is flawed that isn't simply her amount of jutsu or SAs. Every character, even the strongest of superheroes and supervillains, should have flaws and I can't find any of your character's in this application.
  
  To further push that point, there is a rule about making Mary Sue/Gary Stu characters (Source: x). As written, however, it's more like a very strong suggestion. That said, I hope it's understood that if this character were to be accepted as written we would need to enforce that rule pretty quickly.

Thanks for taking the time to read through my edits/suggestions and please let me know if you have any comments/questions/concerns so that we can move forward!

[Deleted]

Hello mate!

Name: Thanks for the precedent, I guess. As I said I don't agree with the rule though. Naruto Universe uses not only English names, but Gregorian calendar, plus several Shinobi of Kumo have names based on Roman alphabet letters, and stuff like that. There's plenty ocidental references throughout the whole series/manga. Since it seems to be quite important to STAFF, perhaps you should not make this a precedent, but a basis directive to bend the rule determining that in order to have non-Japanese names, one must meet few conditions i.e.: having another character approved for at least 'X' period (so you can take into account their AC) - [albeit I don't like this kind of rule either, specially because I have this friend intending to play Qrow and making a good and ol' Uchiha Vs. Hyuga Rivalry]; giving due context/background to the name; filing 'phonetic name' and marking the wanted name as ALIAS like Yoshi suggested; providing hiragana/katakana along with the phonetic name; etc.

Age: I've decided to change her age because of the face claim. It will take quite several years until I have a decent matching art. Changed that to 9.

Personality: Just to be clear, I'd appeal for Genius SA during her time as AS, I intend to make it ASAP, and not when she graduates to genin. But actually, yes, she was made to start over with genius/prodigy SA, but as rule says, AS aren't suppose to have more than 1, so as far as I know I had to start with my clan's SA to be able to be an Uchiha in first place. Going otherwise would mean I'd never being able to awaken Sharingan (if I'm not already since I'm 'no tomoe' member, which means I'll have to go all the way to evolve the doujutsu - which pleases me, tbh - meaning a chance of never doing so, apparently). That said, I had to adapt her app but I don't want to lose her base concept because of a rule. Specially because I intend to have her recognized as a genius/prodigy ICly and, as I said, will make her 'AS to Genin' appeal ASAP in order to get the SA. About the Ninja/Human part, well this discussion is subjective but I made her inspired in Itachi. She was raised by a tutor, her parents were both from the root, she was raised in a world where being a great ninja is all that matters but even if she could, she wouldn't go other way because that'd mean getting closer to people who she really praises, follow a path she was told that'd honor not only her but her clan as well. And that leads us precisely to her history.

History: as she was/still are a young girl when introduced to ninja world, my history perspective was to tell more about the environment of her childhood than about her (specially because you can see her side from personality and FS topics). A child perspective is always quite subjective and depends on individual to individual (I learn to tie my shoes at four). Based on facts, I could built an ecosystem for her life and future RP. My whole game will turn around her so having a history with background was a different way on work over a different character.   

General overview: I'm not a native English speaker so it's not absurd to think I'll make grammar mistakes and typo. I use forum grammar corrector and google translate to help me out too. I reviewed as requested, but feel free to DM me and point out other mistakes if that's something bothering so much. 

Final Thoughts: albeit I think understand where you getting at, I sincerely don't think that's the case. I noticed that's a thing here, actually, and that people wants to know everything about a character by simply reading apps. But that's not quite possible or even pleasant for anyone imo. People simply change, and except for the technical part, the app is not an absolute thing, it's more to some kind of "perspective" because it can change. I can say Saori abandoned Qrow, but make a plot twist thread showing that actually she was somehow forced to do it, for instance; Then if you compare Wahei in his app to 'during game Wahei', you will realize how much he learned in his own way.  You might think that she has no "technical" flaws (and yet she does) because she was intensively raised to become someone strong, and willingly accepted that fate because of her ambition, but by doing that you're probably not considering the social flaws related to her tough personality. Like Kakashi and Obito during Kakashi Gaiden, for instance. Anyone could simply assume that Kakashi was the awesome one and Obito was an under average loser but then Obito goes there and shows a very important side Kakashi was killing on himself: the human side. Same goes to Zabuza. Same goes for Itachi. And over and over again in the series. Wahei forfeit her last match fight during the last CE because in his thought "Kiri" killed his teammate and he would never be conniving to that fact by playing match 3. That dropped my general outcome (yet unfairly, imo) to the bottom but this is who Wahei is and I'd never let anything like "being the best" take over his way. I understand the necessity of having a rule against "Mr./Mrs. almighty", but STAFF must have the sensibility of understand when a character is, per se, ambitious and arrogant and guarantee that he suffers social consequences for that. Wahei is what Wahei is today because of the friends he made along the way. Raven won't be able to easily make friends, because of her ambition and how she was raised to seek honor and glory (and power as a mean to that end). And as Kakashi had an Obito, I hope Raven also gets someone to show her a different path (and that'd end up being Qrow's role in her life, it seems). And that quite interesting playing imo and what I want to go through with her.

Suggestion: I don't think it's good for the app if we discuss further over in the thread. So I'd suggest we discuss details via Discord like Yoshi and I did so we can come up with an agreement or STAFF directive and I adjust whatever more is needed.

[Deleted]

I have lost interest in this character app. Please, delete or file this app accordingly.

Thank you for all time and attention.