[Han]

Hello Grimm,

Welcome to N:FB, I will be your first reviewer.

I am unsure of the Japanese "血まみれの針子" overhead, this should be one of the aliases that you have listed, in English. Or if you want to keep the japanese there should be a translation next to it.

We require a minimum of three images (the header, the hover and the main avatar) for a face claim. If you are wanting to use original art you may do so if there are three pieces (drawn by yourself or a commission) of art. Otherwise, you must pick a face claim from another anime/manga, if you're having a hard time finding someone I recommend Pinterest or Zerochan as sources. Please reference our Face Claims list - fallenblades.proboards.com/thread/2/face-claim-updated-05-2014 to make sure you do not pick someone that is already taken.

Elite Jounin have a minimum age of 30 years old as these are the top most shinobi in the village. At this moment, Kyoko is five years too young to be elite. You may change her to a regular Jounin but some of the history may have to change as well then.

For the positions, none of the ones you picked are actual positions. Being a clan head is not an official position, though it is highly unlikely that a 25 year old would be given this title. A seven swordsman is simply an auxiliary position, so while you can hold it, it is not an actual position within the village ranks. That said, I am uncertain as to why Hunter-Nin and Operations Team 3 Leader are crossed out. If these were past positions she was in, please remove them and pick a position on the RP Positions list here: fallenblades.proboards.com/thread/22/kirigakure-positions-updated-17th-2022 for Kyoko to hold. Everything above "auxiliary units" that has a ? is something Kyoko can potentially hold with enough reasoning, though some of the top positions are reserved for those with a great deal of experience/age or those who are promoted ICly.

The personality section reads more like a history section, could you please reword it to include only descriptions for her personality - how she acts, what she believes in, etc. It is hard to parse through who she is as a person because of all the extra history bits.

"Shidonījougogumo Contract" Please link it. If it's not an existing contract, it must be apped appropriately and approved before this application gets approved, otherwise you will have to gain the contract ICly.

Inventory: I am uncertain of how a fuma shuriken can fit into a thigh sheath. Please remove this.

Enhanced Chakra Control: It does not inherently give anyone the ability to use medical techniques. This usually requires a medical specialization / medical special ability. Please remove this line to avoid confusion - "she could, technically, utilize such techniques if so inclined."

Please link all of your jutsu, however you'd like to do that (some prefer a little x next to jutsu name, others color coordinate based on type of technique, etc).

Face Claim/Face Claim Series - as mentioned earlier please pick a face claim, or get original art done of three pieces and notate it here as either original art done by x artist (please do not steal art, I will ask for visual confirmation of an artist giving permission of their original characters being used on a site) OR name of fc and the series they come from.

Overall: I have avoided looking at the rest of your application at this time because of the length of my current review - to avoid overwhelming you. Overall, I think it would be best that if you wish to go along the clan head route, Kyoko should be in her mid-30s to 40s at the very least. But if you want her to remain young then a jounin kuronmeru member vying for the position is sufficient.

I also highly recommend checking out or Newbie Guide found here: fallenblades.proboards.com/thread/1807/newbie-guide it will help you smoothing out much of what I have requested.

Cheers~

[GRIMM]

edited! i hope that's better ^^

as for her age - i was told that a character could become an elite at a younger age with a prodigy/genius SA, and have thus given her such. and for the clan head position - the kuronmeru clan page states in the hierarchy section that they do not consider age when it comes to a new clan head; instead, they value strength.

please let me know if there are any further issues!

[Han]

The overhead area where it says 'black blooded beast' should be included in the alias section with the rest of the aliases listed.

You cannot use three different pieces of art / random pieces for a single character. They must be all *one* character designated specifically for Kyoko. In other words your face claim area cannot say n/a it must say "Original Art by [artist name]" OR list out the series that the face claim is from.

You are given a leeway of one year in the case of a genius SA - in other words, Kyoko would be allowed to be 29 years old. 25 is still too young for an elite jounin.

You have three positions listed under positions, two excluding the auxiliary. Please only pick one position to be in between operations team leader and genin team leader, you cannot have her do both. You also make no mention of how she got one of these positions in her history.

Though you have color-coded your jutsu list, they are still not linked individually. Please link each jutsu to the list where it belongs.

History:
Her graduating a year before she turns eleven is fine with a genius SA.

"Mochizuki clan" Not sure what this is? I am unaware of this clan being listed anywhere in Kirigakure history or site history. There can be a small family under this name but an entire clan within Kirigakure? No. Please remove.

Why would Kyoko be involved with burying cousins of a random family outside of Kirigakure? They would not be buried on Kirigakure grounds. Nor would a chunin exams be held in Kirigakure, it's a hidden village that would be a major security issue. Maybe somewhere in Mizu no Kuni, but definitely not in the village itself. Remove/edit.

Her genius SA would allow her one year of leeway. Which means she has to be at least 14 years old to become chunin. Not 12. Edit this.

The entire part about her father's suicide is extremely graphic, and needs major editing. There is really absolutely no reason for this to have occurred. There is no lead up to it, no mention that he has proclivity for it. We are a PG-13 site and such topics should not be explicitly mentioned. I find this to be extremely random, so please edit / remove this. You can simply say her father died and she had to bury him. But the way you have described it, could be quite triggering for many folks and is definitely something that doesn't make sense for the rest of the story / father's personality.

I am presuming that the cool clan mentioned by her teammates before is the Hirano's based on my reading. However, they would not just be 'allowed to stay in Kiri'. I also did not fully understand why they have silk and spider-like grace? That's the mayonaka clan if you're talking about spider physiology. Otherwise this isn't a clan that exists on site and if this is just a family then please say so. But a random family would not be allowed to just stay. That is not how villages work, they are extremely secretive of their locations etc.

You focus on a lot of characterization, but not necessarily explain why the team would become jounin during the civil war. With a genius SA the youngest they can be is 17 years old.

Once again the death scenes are way too graphic, and come out of nowhere. You don't really give an explanation for any of this and what I don't fully understand is why are all of these deaths happening outside of the confines of the civil war, when they could easily be placed there for Kyoko's development?

Age aside, Kyoko is not like the other Kuronmeru up to this point. She curses her black blood, and has been more concerned with romance / learning about love / friendship. She has little to no interaction with her clan throughout her history aside from her distant relationship with her mother and father - who don't fully want her (you even say she doesn't have any interactions with them for some reason when the Kuronmeru explicitly shelter their children away from everyone else). The Kuronmeru don't like the unambitious, and ones who don't care. The Kuronmeru are EXTREMELY elitist and think ANYONE who is not THEM is below them. In other words, her fraternizing with shinobi on her team, and being so close to them, being in love with an outsider etc this would absolutely destroy her chances of becoming leader regardless of a victory or not. Kyoko has no Kuronmeru like traits as a person to become the clan leader. She doesn't look at other people with disdain as she would be expected to. It's not just about 'oh I win this battle therefore I am' it's also about the character of the person themselves. Are they *strong* enough to lead? Kyoko is a 'quiet follower type' as you said. She wouldn't be learning the ropes after getting the position. She would have to have proved it a long time ago. So, at this point I would say she is still not worthy of holding the title of clan head. You would need to majorly shift her history and personality. I would say, as before to simply leave it as she is wanting the position, but still needs to prove herself. Why would she have no met her family to this point and suddenly become a leader? The Kuronmeru are prideful, have a compound, they shelter their own kin from the world because they see themselves as above the rest (as mentioned prior). There is no reason for her to not have been intertwined with her entire clan.

"As clan head, she quickly comes to understand her father's insistence that she not become a disgrace to the family." For her to have become clan leader she would have already had to understand this concept. It's not just about strength, she doesn't personify anything that a Kuronmeru is, they are bloody, and ruthless and would put her down attempting to become clan leader for being so friendly to outsiders.

I would also like to note, that she *would* be detained for her crimes and put in prison. Certainly not be given one of the most valuable swords of the village. Or a leadership position in a clan. Or a leadership position over a genin OR operations team. If she wasn't detained and imprisoned, she would certainly have to show how she's going to be trustworthy enough going forward.

Overall on the history: A lot of this needs to be shifted. Age wise like I said you get one year leeway. So change all that out. Someone who has murdered within the village wouldn't be given an elite jounin status, nor has she done anything particularly amazing following her becoming jounin during the civil war to warrant an elite jounin ranking. At minimum she has to be 29 years old. Otherwise, switch her to jounin and let that be the case. At this time as OOC head, I do not see how she embodies any Kuronmeru traits aside from her battling and winning, though this is purely your narrative and does not fit Kuronmeru clan narrative in terms of the standards they have for their clan members. There needs to be a lot of changes to her as a person and her entire history for her to be an adequate leader. As Mizukage, I also don't see with her murders of citizens of the country/village how she would receive leadership positions in the village and be given a valuable sword. It simply wouldn't happen. She would face consequences, and be under extreme watch from village superiors not be given gifts and high positions. Aside from that please look at everything else I mentioned and change it, the graphically violent scenes need to be subdued/removed entirely.

This is pretty long, but the history you have written is really long so I thus needed to address everything accordingly.

[j.]

As two weeks have passed without update, this will be removed from notify. Please post it back up when you've made the requested changes and we can continue from there.